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View from the dressing room with Brett Donnelly

Wednesday, March 7 2018

Brett had a problem this week - no games to analyse due to the snow. But you cannot keep a good man down so he decided to give us a further insight from inside the dressing room. He give us the player's nicknames and the reasons behind them plus his assessment of their strengths and weaknesses!


No games this week. What the hell can I write about?!!! Roy mentioned about snow related football stories, however I've never seen an orange ball let alone play with one. The column is called "View from the dressing room" so let's get in there and give you a little low down on the squad. If any offence is caused then good because that's exactly what I was hoping!!

Let's start from the back and work up to the front with their nicknames explained.

Michael Johnson (Muj) - Got to tread carefully here. I have upset him once and apparently his mum is after me!! Named Muj as its easier than saying MJ. Top top keeper and unbelievable banter. Been on the lookout for a girlfriend for a long time, no joy yet but it won't be long.

Kavan Cotter (Kavs /Darnell - Big Brother contestant) A pro at Luton. Regularly reminded he'll be here come pre-season. Quiet lad, very angry though.

Jack James (JJ or Baby Kavs) Another pro from Luton, ugly as sin but he'll grow into it once he hits puberty. Got a bit in common with Lucas. Could have a bright future, however been out with a dead leg for 3 weeks!!!!!!!

Ben Walster (Belly) - Named Belly for obvious reasons. Burks will remind him of this weekly. Belly is known for taking banter really really well. Wand of a left foot, awful crosser of a ball. In love with my wife!

Dan Webb (Dave) - Webby is Dave. I honestly thought his name was Dave Webb. Called him Dave since then so now he is Dave. Captain and Mr Reliable. Well last season he was, this season he has not been as reliable. One of the pub players that Parks likes to call a few of us.

Lewis Rolfe (Camel) - An opposition fan shouted he looked like a camel. He didn't like it, asked the lads to not be called it so he is now the camel forever. Loves winding up the management and costing the team. Surprising he is still here actually. His family own 2/3rds of Hertfordshire.

Toby Syme (Toby???) What a lovely lad. Stupid but really nice. Has a terrible habit of saying what he is thinking! Happy birthday mate.

Josh Bickerstaff (Egghead) - He cheated at cards so I splattered an egg on his head so he became Egghead. Soon to be embraced into the Donnelly family as my brother is marrying his sister. He cannot wait! Terrible at football but tries harder than anyone I have ever played with. Another one of the pub players.

Kevin Byrne (Aussie Bruce) - Kev is from Florida so what else were we going to call him. Lovely lad, probably a bit too nice to be a centre half. Give him his due, considering he is American he actually gets sarcasm.

Charlie Smith (Chaz) - Luton reject. Man at 13 by all accounts. It is saying a lot for the squad when Chaz is probably not in the bottom 3 of thickos. Currently at Uni with his bestest "friend" Larry. Never seen man love like it but Chaz and Larry are inseparable.

Jay Dowie (Malfoy as he looks like the character from Harry Potter) - Malfoy is up there as one of the thickest blokes I have played with. Some of the stuff he comes out with you couldn't make it up. Lovely lad, just a bit dim. Cannot handle a beer! Doesn't own a watch either. Run. Head. Kick.

Lucas Kirkpatrick (Smelly, Fitzy or Sally) He is basically the brunt of most of the stick dished out. I have had a chat with him about biting when the boys give him stick about everything from his new bird, his size, the fact he is not a pro yet. But he can't help nibbling. Good looking lad, always the longest in the shower. Football wise if only he was a foot taller, loads faster, much stronger he could be at Hemel!

Kieran McCaffrey (Crystal, because he looks like an addict!!) Not seen enough of him but typical northerner.. Thick!!

Jack Green (Little Dave) - He looks like a young Dave Webb. Another thicko, heads everything. He can play and we will be better when he is back.

Jonny McNamara (Macca) - Not even sure if the bloke claiming to be Macca is the same one that left for Hemel 2 years ago. He has forgotten how to play football. He is always up to something, normally at the expense of someone else. Loves crying, never seen a grown man cry as much as Macca, over anything as well. One game a couple of years ago, we came in 3-0 up at half time. Macca walked in then sat down crying his eyes out. He was rubbish that day and couldn't handle it. I laughed my head off. Pub player.

Trey Charles (Terry) - Gosport put his name as Terry in their programme not Trey.. Hi Terry!  All the assets to go higher, just needs to play well consistently. Also doesn't drink, I have an issue with non drinkers. They remember everything!!!! Never fined.

Robbie Burns (Besty) - The tag has faded since he became a dad. But Besty is called Besty for obvious reasons. Talented on the field, but prefers the game of life off the pitch a little more. Dry as they come. Always good to get in Burkey's ear for a night off.

Elliot Bailey (Larry) - We had a vote on a new name for Mr Bailey as his name is terrible. Larry won so he is now known as Larry. Top goal scorer even though he has only played about 20 minutes this season. The other half of Chaz. Hide and seek champion.

Connor Vincent - tightest bloke you will meet. Put £12 into the players fines so far this year. Has the body of a 40 year old. Big red wine drinker and a secret millionaire. Loves beating up Macca. Pub player.

Brett Donnelly (Digger) - No idea why I am called Digger!! [Nothing to do with digging holes I am sure - Roy] Old, rubbish and slow. But still joint second top goal scorer. Here to boost the age of the squad upwards and to teach the young lads that there is more to football than just what goes on on the pitch. Hoping to seal a deal for next season, even if it means bumping off Del Boy to get the job as kitman! Pub player.

Nick Sopowski (part of the physio team) - The man who sorts out the dietary requirements and the reason Belly and Parks are fat. Can be heard muttering "not another 4 balls lost" whilst watching shooting practice in the warm up.

Derek Barker (Delboy) - Kitman. Swears too much and is always on hand for a completely inappropriate piece of advice. And he is 70.. who'd have thought that!

Connor Moran - Physio - likes Steps and The Script. Whatever floats your boat! I'm becoming his best customer along with Egghead & Malfoy. Connor plays his cards close to his chest, so much so he has been here 4 years now and no one knows anything about him!!

Adam Parker (Parks) - Best artist the club has. He comes out with some priceless team talks when he forgets where he is going with something and then rambles on. Hates losing, hates being on the end of banter. But loves dishing it out. Always has industrial supply of talcum powder with him. Big baby. Favourite colour is brown.

Mark Burke (Burks / Burkey) - The best one handed manager in England. Can you name one better?? He is probably the club's most successful human. Been here 40 years now and has seen it all. Well I'd like to think the team has shown him some stuff over the last 4 years that was new to him. Always travels light and loves peanut and tomato sandwiches.

So there was a little insight in  to the dressing room and some light relief. I await the backlash from other parents!!!!!



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